I Used Real Butter.

My hair has been a dried-out nest of split ends for about 3 weeks, and tonight I made the time to get it cut. Even though I know better (I've been burned before), I decided to go to one of those cheap, chain haircutting places; I just didn't have the energy to make an appointment. Of course, the cheap, chain haircutting place could fit me in right away.

Note to self: Never trust a service professional who isn't booked at lease a month out.

The girl who cut my hair had highlights so variegated she looked like a goddamn parrot. Regardless, I was desperate, and I thought (erroniously it turns out), "How hard can it be to trim straight hair?"

Note to self: You are an idiot.

I now have two levels of hair - one to my shoulders, the other to my ears. I look like a topiary. I have a shelf on my head.

I came home raging, in tears, upset about the bad haircut but mostly mad at myself for willingly entering this situation.

I wanted to call up Rainbow Brite and tell her that if I did my job as badly as she had just done hers, people would die. That's not true, but I'd say it anyway. And I wanted to tell her to keep the $16 I'd spent to look like a quaker with a mullet, because she obviously needed it for beauty school.

But then I thought, "oh my god, it was $16 and she stands on her feet all day cutting the hair of people who probably ignore her, and really, I feel sorry for her."

I'm still pissed off about my hair - it's so bad I'm going to have to get it cut again just to undo the damage - but I'm over my anger at the cockatoo. She can't help it, she was probably blinded by chemicals from her striped hair leaching into her scalp.


After the storm of fury (and many, many minutes spent petting the dogs and listening to Brad tell me, "it's reall not that bad"), I started to think about dinner. Being all wound up, I was seeking comfort food, and the thing I've been wanting most lately is the old Italian staple of peppers and eggs.

Thinking of my little Grama, who was always, always cooking, and who made the most delicious peppers and eggs in the world, I passed over the olive oil for butter - her pan grease of choice.

I sauteed the onions the peppers in bubbly, hot butter, then poured in the whisked eggs and stirred. I ate them with toast and more butter (I guess I'm on a kick), and temporarily forgot about how my now head resembles a toadstool.

Jen is right. It's best to use real butter.


Jen Yu said...

Oh hon, I'm sorry about the bad haircut! I'm also sorry that I am laughing so hard after reading your post. I'm not laughing AT you, but WITH you - your writing is so funny. Consider this... the last time I went to a chop shop was to have my head shaved because it was starting to fall out. And now... my hair is short like a dyke cut (not because I've cut it, but because it's growing back) AND it's curly. The fuck?! :(

lisagh said...

At least you can laugh at the situation. ha ... ha ha... ha?

Cindy said...

I cannot believe your hair could look that bad, but it's a great description!

I always look at those cheap places, chicken out, and then go with no hair cut. I'm growing what I call my recession do: No highlights and long, which means it's one color for about six inches and then another color for about a foot or so. And do you know I really don't even give a crap? It's not good. . . .

More, More, More said...

oh i've been there too - I;ve had a mullet in the last few years! good thing is it's hair and it grows :)

Jessica said...

Ahhhh yes, the cheapo haircut places. Not only should you not go with a service person that isn't booked for at least a month out but also one whose hair does not look like a bird! You crack me up. I too feel your pain. At least its hat season!

Paige Jennifer said...

If it makes you feel any better, I waited a month for a guy at a nice salon to give me the same god awful cut. Topiary? Brilliant description. Anyway, it was SO bad that my colorist asked who did it to me.

"The guy two stations over," I grumbler.

"Oh. Wow. That's bad."

Yes indeed - took five months to grow out.

Wasatch Girl said...

Oh my... I am in the EXACT same boat. Since I am on the road, I couldn't go to my usual RELIABLE girl in SLC. (For the record, I am emailing you her info now as she is fab and completely affordable.) So, I went to a cheap place because all I needed was a trim. I swear it can't be that hard! I have been trying to grow my hair out and now I have the shortest hair I have had in my life! ARGH! To the point, where I bought hair vitamins to help grow it out... I don't know if they are working.

Sorry about your hair, girl. But now that I am suffering right there with you. =)