I’m missing Boulder terribly. Running up Flagstaff and through the Flatirons. Soloing the Second. Walking up to the West Ridge and seeing dozens of friends, of people I knew and liked. This is back when I felt confident. I felt in control. Back then, I wasn’t afraid of women. I was a fearless climber and my skills were continually on the rise. I was a good trad climber and I had a wonderful network of friends to climb with.

Did being single have something to do with it? That confidence? I liked climbing and knew I was good at it. I don’t like it here. I’m not good here. I don’t like the women Brad admires, I don’t like that he suggests I climb with them.

I hated Boulder at times. I was so lonely some nights. I felt so unhip when walking past Rhumba or any of those trio/trilogy/triad bars. I felt poor the entire time I lived there.

How would it be now to live in Boulder? How would it be to live there with Brad? How would it be to run the Mesa Trail with Arnie, to live near Megan and Deanne and my old friends who I love and admire and can be around so comfortably? It’s been so long since I’ve felt comfortable with a female friend; I don’t seem to relax around anyone here. I don’t get down to what’s going on. I probably don’t even know.

I miss that route next to the Yellow Spur – Vertigo? I miss the Rincon Wall in fall. I miss walking past Black Lake in the Park. I miss climbing with Cindy and I miss the Diamond. I miss feeling like the whole world – all I need - is right there, from wall to wall in that cirque.

I miss bouldering after work on Flagstaff, even though I never sent one single problem ever.

And today I’m remembering the strangest things: that red dress, the birthday party for Robbie, Leonard drunk on the couch, Laura and John, the second pitch of Pony Express, running with Steph, those tickets for parking on the wrong side of the street, Keira, Stevo’s toothbrush in the kitchen, the second pitch of the casual route, climbing with Leah in Boulder Canyon, Zack, that friend of Herman’s with the bikes, Julie and Kevin, climbing Rain and Shine with Brian, Cairo, Ed Lyman, the bivy below Spearhead, the Keyboard, bouldering with Mike Brooks almost every night, Elvis, that guy Ron, learning to be alone, learning that I didn’t want to always be alone.

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